Funny

159.SomeOne..
MiSSES U..
NeeDS U..
Worries About U
Lonely Without U
Guess Who?
THE MONKEY IN
… THE ZOO …

2.You are one of the most CUTE persons in the world!!Just a second, don’t misunderstand.
CUTE means:
Creating
Useless
Troubles
Everywhere..

3.We’ve known each other for quite a while now, do u think we can b more than friends? cos i like u very much. will u b my partner 2 rob a bank?(Feeling bored?

4. Wondering, what to do?4.Open the zip!Enter your hands in between your zip.. take out your…book from your bag and study..5.U will be a ROSE for all TREES
U will be a SMILE
for all FACES
U will be WATER FALLS for all HILLS
&
U will be a BROHTER
for all CUTE GIRLS .

6.When ur life is in darkness pray 2 God ask him 2 free u 4rm darkness &
after if u pray &ur still in darkness
, pls pay ur
ELECTRICITY BILL

7.Lovers plan to suicide. Boy jumped first,girl closed her eyes & return back saying love is blind.Boy in air opened his parachute saying love never dies.

8.A sardarji doctot falls in Love with a Nurse.He writes a love letter to the Nurse :- I Love U sister….

9.Husband asks, Do you know the meaning of wifes
It means…Without Information Fighting Everytime!
WIFE satys No, it means -
With Idiot for Ever

10. Why do couples hold hands during their wedding day?.?.?.?…. It is just a formality, like two boxers shaking hands b4 the fight begins !

11.AT 18 a lady is like a football, 22 men behind her,
at 28 a basketball, 10 men behind her,
at 38 a golf ball, 1 man behind her,
at 48 a TT ball, 1 man pushing her to the other

12.Girls are like roads,more the curves,more the dangerous they are.

13.Tcher: How Old is ur father.

Sunny: As old as I m.

Tcher: How is it possible?

Sunny: He bcom father only after I was born. ../

14. What do you call a wife who is sexybeautiful, intelligent, understanding, caring, never jealous and a great cook?
ANSWER : A rumour!

15. what’s common between the SUN & WOMEN’S underware ?
1) both are hott
2) both look better while going down
3) both disappear by night…………

16. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.”
She replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love & didn’t notice

17. Man:what is million years to u?
God:only a second.
Man:what is billion of Dollar.to u?
God:only a Coin.
Man:ok give me a Coin.
God:wait a second….

18. behind every SUCCESSFUL woman, there is a SATISFIED man,but behind a SATISFIED woman there is an EXHAUSTED man…

19. 75yrz old man got married with a girl of 15 yrz old. At marriage nite they both r crying cuz Girl don’t know anything and an old man hav 4gotten evrythng.

20. Which Type Of Woman Is Yours?
HARD-DISK Woman:She remembers everything, FOREVER.
RAM Woman:She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.
WINDOWS Woman:Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
EXCEL Woman:They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use for your four basic needs.
SCREENSAVER Woman:She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!
INTERNET Woman:Difficult to access.
SERVER Woman:Always busy when you need her.
MULTIMEDIA Woman:She makes horrible things look beautiful.
CD-ROM Woman:She is always faster and faster.
E-MAIL Woman:Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
VIRUS Woman:Also known as “WIFE”; when you are not expec

21. A husband was stung by a bee on his penis and it became swollen. His wife prayed, “Oh God may you remove off the pain and leave the size as it is.

22. who is stronger man or woman?
Anser A woman coz she lifts two mountain on her chest while man lifts his crane with the help of 2 stones.

23. Girls Hostel ki light chali gayi.
Ek ladki ne electric office me phone karke kaha:
Light chali gayi hai, aadmi bhejo.
Replied “Aadmi nahi hai, mombatti se kaam chala lo.”

24. A Wife is sleeping in the middle of the night, she suddenly shouts: “Get up quickly my hasband is here!!!”
the man gets up from the bed, jumps out the window, hurts himslef and then realizes “Damn, I am the hasband!!!”
Who’s guilty in the situation?????????????

25. Best SMS of the year- a nother makea her son “intelligent” in 20 Years, but a girl makes him STUPID in 2 minutes.

26. A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams,

27.which the father receives as:”father, your daughter has been successful in BED.” 27. in chemistry class teacher asked a girl:what r Nitrates?

girl answered shyly:nights rates r high then day ..!

28. Judge-y did u attack tat young man?
Old lady- he grabbed me, took my clothes off, threw me on d bed & shouted APRIL FOOL!

29. girls are like an internet virus, they enter ur life, scan ur poket , transfer ur money, edit ur mind, download their problems delete ur smiles and hang u for ever

30. teacher teaching algebra to student
A=B=C
it means A=C
sir asked 2 giv exampl 4 it
student:sir i luv u, u luv ur daughter,it means i luv ur daughter

31. NEWTONS LAW OF LOVE:- LOVE CAN NEITHER B CREATED NOR DESTROYD BUT IT CAN ONLY B CHNGD FRM ONE girl TO ANTHR WID D LOSS OF MONEY

32. Romance Mathematics
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

33. what is the diffrent between
Himami & tsunami ?

Himami is face wash,
Sunami is total wash

34. Man ask God ” God Y U make women so BEAUTIFUL? God so that u can LUV her.
Men but Y u make her so STUPID? God says so that she can LUV U…….

35. A convicted rapist was sentenced to a death penalty.he was 2 choose between being hanged or being injected with a seringe with HIV/AIDS blood.he choose to be injected with AIDS, after they have finished with him he never stoped laughing and they asked why r u laughing he just wispered and say i have put on a condom

36. A Chinese man took his pregnant wife to the hospital tp deliver…
The wife however gave birth to a black baby. The Chinese man who was shocked named him: SOME TIN WONG….

37. A story with moral
My girlfriend called me to her house one day. I went there & found her sister alone in the house. She was unbelievably sexythan my GF. She whispered in my ear, “I have feelings for you, make love to me once” I turned around & walked to the front door towards my car. Amazingly I found my GF standing there & she hugged me & said, “U have won my trust.”
Moral:
Its always better to keep the CuNDuMS in the car & not in the wallet!!

38. Last nite i had a dream abt U…
I saw tht v both were gettig married on the same day…
Ur wife was beautiful but mine is not…
I asked GOD:
Why it is so???
GOD replied:
“BALANCE OF NATURE”…!!!

39.A boy goes to see a cabare dance. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
Boy: Yes, I saw dad.

40. People who do lots of work.make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work.make less mistakes,
People who do no work.make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes.get promoted.

41.U luv sumone… u marry sumone else. The one u marry becomes ur wife or husband & the one u loved becomes the password of your emai id…!

42. wife – suniye kya aap kitchen se garam masala la kar aayenge
husband – magar yahan to nahin hai
wife– mujha pata tha tumha nahin mila ge is liya main pehla se la aaye baghwan !!!!!!!!!

43. The world thineest book has only one word written in it”EVERYTHING” and the bok is tittled by “WHAT WOMAN WANT “

44. Teacher : Correct the sentence, “A bull and a cow is grazing in the Field”
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies First.

45.STUDENT: But I don’t think, i deserve a zero on this exam.
TEACHER: Neither do I, but it’s the lowest mark I can give you.

46.A FAMILY SAW ”SHOLAY” MOVIE
CAME BACK HOME AND HUSBAND ROMANTICALLY SAID TO WIFE
” NACH BASANTI NACH”
CHILD ADDED
”NAHIN BASANTI IS KUTE K SAMNE MAT NACHNA”

47.Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
appu: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl

48 always keep a picture of ur wife in ur wallet look at it when u r in trouble u will feel that other problems r not as big as this one

49. A mobile is like women :- TALKS NON-STOP, COSTS A FORTUNE, DISTURBS WHEN UR BUSY AND WHEN U NEED THEM URGENTLY THEY HAVE NO SERVICE

50. no men no women no women no love no love no sex no sex no children no children no school no school no homework no homework no problems!

51. A god discusión is like a MINI SKIRTShort enough 2 pertain interest and long enough 2 cover the subject .

52. A Noble Award winner dedicated his Novel to his wife and wrote
Its dedicated to my Wife because in her absence I could complete this Book

53. think positive… look at the world as 1 huge chocolate cake.
it would not be complete without a few sweets & nuts.
sweets like me & nuts like you!!!

54.Lady : So, you want to become my son-in- law?

Boy: Not really, but I don’t see

any other way 2 marry ur daughter!

55. Husband: Today is Sunday & I have to

enjoy it. So I bought 3 movie tickets.

Wife: why three? Husband: 4 u and

ur parents.

56. A baby monkey asks his father,

Father why r we so ugly?

The father says to him, don’t stress

my son u should see the one who is

reading this!!

57. What does u call a woman in heaven? An

Angel.

A crowd of woman in heaven? A host of

Angels.

And all woman in heaven? PEACE ON

EARTH!

58. Teacher: What should be in a book to

make it a bestseller?

Rommy: A girl on the cover and no cover

on the girl. 59. Sign post outside our collage-

“Drive Carefully! Don’t kill

the Students, Wait for the Lecturers!”.

60. Scientists all over the world r

wondering how long a human being can

live without a brain… Kindly tell them ur age…

61. What happened 2 ur network? I tried 2

call u but the operator said “Welcome

2 the jungle, the monkey u r trying

to call is on the tree… .Plz try later.”

62. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One

says, “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says, “Are you sure?” The

first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”

63. Difference: It’s funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE Vs ARRANGED. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered

64. God thought that since he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother. Then devil thought that he couldn’t b everywhere he made a mother-in-law.

65. Why couldn’t the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged.

66. sorry 4 disturb u. can u fax me ur photo, its very urgent, serious matter has come up actually, we r playing a cards and I lost the joker

67. Q:) What does a buffalo produce during an Earth Quake ? A:) Milk Shake

68. After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool

69. when I married you.” She replied, “Yes, dear I know, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

70. When in life, you wake up n you don’t see anyone, then come to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!

71. What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey? A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.

72.Friendship is just like wine.. As it gets older it gets sweeter.. just like you and me.. you are getting older and I am getting sweeter

73. So sweet is ur SMILE….. so sweet is ur STYLE….. so sweet is ur VOICE….. so sweet is ur EYE……. see how sweetly I LIE!!

74. Some Love Golden-Ship, Some Love Silver-Ship, but I Love One Ship That Is Your Friend-Ship

75. Based on Newton’s 1st Law: Law of love neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can be changed form one girlfriend to another girlfriend.

76. I know you think I’m cute, I know you think I’m fine, but like the other guys take a number and wait in line!!

77. What is a difference between a Kiss, a Car and a Monkey? A kiss is so dear, a car is too dear and a monkey is U dear.

78. Why r Women are like the stock market… Coz they’re irrational n can bankrupt u if u’ r not careful.

79. Mosquitoes religious? YES They first sing over u & then prey on you

80. Remove your Shirt, Remove your Pants too, ahhhh uhhhhh remove ur kurti now ahhh…. Finally the suitcase is closed.

81. Birds love u, Giraffe love u, Goat love u, Elephant love u, Go to zoo, They all miss u.

82. I want U 2 know dat our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry I cry, U Lauf I Lauf, U Jump out of da window… I look down & den.. I lauf again

83. Friendship is like peeing in your pants. Every 1 can c it but only U can feel its true Warmth, Thank U 4 being the pee in my pants..

84. What’s d similarity between a girl & petrol? 1. Both r explosive 2. Both r hot 3. Both r dangerous when kept in open

85. Eyes: To look at you Hands: To pray for you Mind: To care for u Heart: To love you and Legs: To kick u if u forget me.

86. The big tomato said 2 the slow little tomato: ketch up!!

87. A group of elephants were sitting on the street. A sexy female elephant passes by… What does the loafer elephant say? Wow… 3600-2400-3600

88. What’s it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down? Marriage.

89. Luck at the world as 1 big chocolate cake. It would never b complete without few sweets n nuts. Sweet like ME & nut like U

90. Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

91. Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter? A: I butter not tell you, It might spread!!

92. Cute… Good looking… Easy to handle… Cool… Sexy… Nice structure… It’s my mobile. How about your?

93. What is the height of Bravery, Patience & Laziness combined? A: Sitting on the sea shore waiting for TSUNAMI to clean up ur ASS

94. Will, Marry, I & U are going for a party. What’s the best & worst arrangement u can make. Did u get… Best: Will, U, Marry, Me Worst: I, Will, Marry, U

95. Dream makes al things possible, Hope makes al things work, love makes al things beautiful, smile makes al d abv so always BRUSH UR TEETH…!

96. Boy: what will u give me as reward if I climb Mt.Everest? Girl: A push.

97. Sincere Apology:
If u don’t like ny of my SMS or don’t like 2 read or if my msgs disturb u, then plz don’t hesitate, free 2 Throw Ur Mobile!!

98. Sweet fruits r nice 2 eat.. Sweet words r nice 2 say.. But sweet people r really hard 2 find. My goodness, how the hell did u manage 2 find me!

99. Their are moments in life when you really miss someone. And you wish you could just pluck them from your dreams…..

100. Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

101. Woman: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

102. The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!

103. This is not fair! How could u do this? Didn’t expect this from you! Got a whole Channel on ur name and didn’t even tell me? Animal Planet!

104. Phonebook Dilemma Why r there no phone books in China? Coz there r so many Wing’s and Wong’s, they r afraid u will Wing the Wong number.

105. If u read dis SMS , I’m SMART. If u save dis, you agree dat I’m SMART. If u fwd dis, u r spreading dat I’m Smart & if u delete dis, u r jealous coz I’m SMART

106. 3 Guys were introduced to a girl. Hi, I’m Peter, not a saint. I’m Paul not a POPE. I’m John not a Baptist. The girl replied. Hi… I’m Mary, not a VIRGIN.

107. Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.

108. Hubby: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle. Wife: Yes darling I still do, only difference is earlier it was 300ml now it’s 1.5 ltr.

109. Q: – what do u get when u cross a librarian and a lawyer? A: – “All the information you want, except you can’t understand it.”

110. Q: Why do Gods stay up in heaven? A: Because they are afraid of what they have created!

11. Funny Answering Machine Messages Please leave a message However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

112. They say Love is in the air… shit if only I had a plane right now!

113. Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and you’re going to want to shoot it.

114. Seeking love is a mission… finding love is a complexes ambition… so y not go wiv the Asian tradition, and let the parents make the decision…

115. Regular Naps Prevent Old Age… Especially If You Take Them While Driving!

116. If you are in tension,
If nothing seems right,
If u find no way out,
Then just think of me only once,
I will be always there to INCREASE your tensions.

117. All ways keep your LOVER’S photo in your purse.when ever you are in big trouble see the photo.you will feel that No other problem bigger than this…
118. It’s important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It’s also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!

119. I’ve been arrested for bein the ugliest person in Britain, can u cum down the police station and show them it’s a mistake?

120. Clouds r white but the sky is blue,monkey like u should b kept in the zoo, dont get angry ull find me there too,not in the cage but laughing at u. ha! ha! ha

121. A man can kiss his wife goodbye. A flower can kiss a butterfly.Wine can kiss a frosted glass.But u my friend can kiss my ass!

122. i tried to call you from a payphone last night. i put my doner card in by mistake, it cost me an arm and a leg!

123. Hi i am dying to c u, i want to talk to u seriously, but I cant get 2 u, dis stupid gatekeeper is asking me 4 a ticket to enter the zoo!

124. Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i’m playin cards n i’m missin the joker!!

125. Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!

126. Jesus says to John come forth ill give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster

127. A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home

128. At dis moment in time 10 million people r having sex.5 million people r drinking coffee.100 million people r sleeping & 1 stupid fool is reading my text!pass on

129. The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?

130. i want u 2 know dat our friendship means alot 2 me.U cry i cry.U lauf i lauf.U jump out of da window… I look down & den… i lauf again

131. If a big fat man creeps into your bedroom one night and stuffs you into a bag, Then do not worry ’cause I told Santa I wanted you for christmas!

134. Smilin is infexous u catch it lik d flu.wen sum1 smild at me 2day i startd smilin 2.now im infectd iv sent it thru dis txt.so now ur smiling who wil it go2 next?

135. Dear friend! Do you take me 2 b your lawful text mate.2 have & 2 hold.4 dirty quotes or saucy jokes.in text messaging & in poor signal.til low battery do us part?

136. girls are like phones. we like to be held and talked too- but if u press the wrong button u’ll be disconnected!

137. A good friend is like a good bra… hard 2 find- comfortable- supportive- prevents u from falling- holds u tight- and is always close 2 ur heart!

138. THE NHS REGRETS TO INFORM U THAT UR BIRTH WAS AN ACCIDENT.PLEASE REPORT TO UR NEAREST HOSPITAL TO BE PUT DOWN.WE APOLOGISE 4 ANY INCONVINIENCE

139. Merry Christmas, Enjoy New Year, Happy Easter, Good luck on Valentines, Spooky Halloween & Happy Birthday Now bug off and don’t annoy me for the next 12 months!!!!

140. why do i text u? its my choice its my way of sayin dat i remembr u. why do i remembr u? il neva know its not my choice its my hearts.

141. Last nite I lay in bed looking at the stars- the beautiful sky and the endless horizon….& suddenly I thought…where on earth is my roof?

142. If U delete this message thats bcoz u love me. If u save it thats bcoz u desire me & if u ignore it thats bcoz u miss me. So what u gonna do with IT?

143. Theres an urgent meeting in the jungle! Everyones there.. lions, tigers, cheetas and ape, but the meetin cant start because the monkey is reading this text

144. God made butter god made cheese god made you for me to squeeze god made whiskey god made pepsi and when he made you he made you SEXY!

145. Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

146. Last night i wanted to send u a msg, but all i could write was: “noh ss!w !”. it didn’t make much sense until i read it upside down…

147. MEN-opause MEN-strual pain MEN-tal illness GUY-necologist HIS-terectomy EVER NOTICED HOW WOMENS PROBLEMS START WITH MEN??

148. Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!

149. Piss the taking is someone that realise u this like times at its! NOW READ IT BACKWARDS!!

150. Hello!Im a little alien called Ted.I have taken the form of a mobile phone- your phone.And during this message I have been having sex with your thumb!

151. This cat is cat a cat good cat way cat to cat keep cat a cat idiot cat buzy cat for cat 20 cat seconds cat! NOW READ IT WITHOUT SAYIN CAT!

152. A)Ur Attractive B)Ur Buff C)Ur Charmin D)Ur Delicious E)Ur Excitin F)Ur Funny G)Ur Gorgeous H)Ur Heavenly I)Im J)Just K)Kiddin L)Loser!

153. HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press down* HOW TO KEEP AN IDIOT ENTERTAINED *press up*

154. Wot letters r missin in H__RT? EA or U? Pick EA & u get a heart!if u pick U,u will get hurt! I’d pick U coz it’s better to get hurt than have a heart without U!

155. if u notice this notice you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing!!!

156. I have the “I”.I have the “L”.I have the “O”.I have the “V”.I have the “E”… so pls

157. 4 REASONS Y DOGS R BETTER DAN WOMEN 1)dogs obey wen u shout at dem 2)dogs dont shop 3)u can giv away ur dogs children 4)any guy can get a good lookin dog!

158. 3 REASONS Y CATS R BETTER DAN MEN 1)cats luv u wotever u look like 2)u can stroke a cat wivout it thinkin about sex 3)u dont mind wen ur cat chases after birds!

159. Y MEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)dey r useless until u turn dem on 2)dey have lots of data but r still clueless 3)as soon as u pick 1 a better model cums on the market!

160. Y WOMEN R LIKE COMPUTERS 1)no one really understands dem 2)all ur mistakes r stored in their memory 3)u find urself spendin all ur money on accessories for dem!

161. Y MEN R LIKE TOILETS 1)dey r always out of order 2)dey stink 3)the nice ones r always engaged 4)dey consume large amounts of liquid 5)r constantly full of crap

162. 5 BAD THINGS 2 SAY 2 A NAKED GUY 1)so dis explains ur car! 2)but still work right? 3)r u cold? 4)shood i get a pump? 5)so i guess dis makes me d early bird!

163. wanted to send u something nice that would make u smile but the postman told me to get out of the mailbox!

164. This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number.We are truly sorry for the inconvenience

165. Ur cute gorgeous fine & dandy.really sexy u make me randy.ur good wiv ur mouth & also in bed …oops sorry wrong number 4get wot I said!

166. I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised it was my own REFLECTION

167. Those innocent eyes… Those kissable lips… A great smile… The perfect walk… Smoothest talk… Absolutely gorgeous.. Thats enough bout me-How r u?

168. You’re Attractive Gorgeous Sexy Intelligent Smart Charming Sophisticated Fit Kind & Generous. In fact you’re becoming more like me everyday!

169. Uve got sex appeal.uve got style.uve got intelligence.uve got class.uve got the face & uve got the body & ive got the wrong number!

170. Ure so sexy u drive me insane.i luv u so much dat my heart is in pain.ur sexy voice puts me in a slumber.oh damn im sorry i have the wrong number

171. I’m @ the police station now been done 4 drink driving.Urine sample was positive so I nicked the sample.they r now doin me 4 taking the piss

178. im at the police station.The police caught me & filed a case against me “possession of good looks”.i’m doomed! i need someone ugly 2 bail me out-so hurry up!

179. i hereby place u under arrest 4 violating code 0569 – distracting public with ur xtreme good looks &sex appeal.remain silent & report 2 my bedroom

180.NEWS FLASH: The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
NEWSFLASH.. Police arrested 2 kids yesterday: 1 was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks.They charged one and let the one off.